


Wills

by Voidmancer



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M, Renegade Commander Shepard, Ruthless, Spacer Background
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-09
Updated: 2014-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-28 22:26:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/997643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voidmancer/pseuds/Voidmancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Right before the mission through the Omega-4 Relay, the crew is reminded to write their last will and testament. Shepard contemplates writing to Kaidan, wanting to tell him through a letter everything he couldn't bring himself to say in person. </p><p>Spans the end of ME2 to the events of ME3. Spoilers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Commander Shepard sat by the desk in his cabin, calloused fingers fiddling on the console keyboard without actually typing anything. It would soon be time to begin the suicide mission through the Omega-4 Relay and every crew member had been reminded that it would probably be a good idea to write their final will and testament. The task, though simple, was proving to be quite difficult to accomplish. Despite his line of work, he had never written one before. He was goddamn Commander Shepard and he didn’t just up and die— except he did, once and then was— and he would never use this word lightly— miraculously brought back from the brink of death. Technically he was some kind of undead zombie like in those Galaxy of Fantasy games, but reality would have him alive thanks to machines and tech. Lots of them.

He doubted he would get another lucky break, so the next time he died he knew it would be permanent. He asked himself again and again, if he were to die at the next moment what would he regret not doing? Difficult really. He had regretted many things, though many of them were old wounds long healed. What did he regret now, most of all?

A brief memory of Horizon flashed in his mind, the sky dark and heavy with rain— or smoke— turning the warm glow of the star orange. The Collectors had retreated and the whole colony had not been kidnapped, once again a small victory Commander Shepard. Relief washed over him, then deep concern. Kaidan. The man in the garage had confirmed that Kaidan— Staff Commander Alenko, damn he was moving up— was there in Horizon. Had the Collectors taken him? A cold rush washed over him, as if he was just pushed into a refrigerator. He needed to make sure— and was going to— when, stepping out behind a stack of crates— Kaidan.

He remembered how he almost exclaimed Kaidan’s name in joy, stopping himself in time to just give the merest twitches of a smile on his lips. Keep yourself under goddamn control, Shepard, he told himself. Pleasantries, though brief, were exchanged. No running to his arms and squeezing him like a favorite stuffed toy or even a brief, manly hug and pat on the back. No. Only words, most of them harsh as well. Kaidan wasn’t happy about him working for Cerberus. He wasn’t happy that Kaidan would think the worst of him.

Shepard released a heavy sigh. He had never been very popular. He was no well-loved superhero who flew down from the skies, delivered gallant lines and saved the day with bright sunshine and rainbows in the background. He was first and foremost a soldier and a soldier delivered results. Good results. Cost effective results. Others might not appreciate the things he needed to do or say to get the job done, but hell, none of them mattered. None of them, except Kaidan.

When he started thinking about Kaidan— his former lieutenant for goddsakes— in that manner was entirely beyond him. Things had been so hectic. People needing him to do this and that, there had hardly been a pause for breath. And yet, he caught himself resting his gaze a little longer whenever he laid his eyes on Kaidan, grinning when he took down an enemy with a blast from his biotics. Thank god most of the time it was hidden from sight with his helmet. Otherwise he might have been far too obvious.

He never liked women. There was nothing wrong about them, but there was also nothing about women that really set his desires aflame the way men did— the way Kaidan did. Damn. How he felt like he was a stupid, raging-hormones teenager all over again whenever they had been in close proximity.

He knew it wouldn’t be possible. Hell, did Kaidan even go for men? Shepard had never mustered up enough courage to find out. He would rather have kept his feelings to himself than let it be shot down. It was a joke really. Commander Shepard, Butcher of Torfan, Mr Get-it-done, the first human Spectre, who had faced countless of enemies head-on, afraid of rejection. He might have never been able to claim to never have been afraid of an enemy, but he had never been crippled with it enough to send him to do nothing, but that was exactly what had happened when he realized his own feelings. Just seeing him okay was enough, he told himself. 

That was one of the biggest lies in the galaxy right there.

He fiddled with his console, typing random strings of letters on the screen.

He should write a letter to Kaidan, tell him everything.

He had started with, “Dear Kaidan, if you’re getting this then” when he remembered the conversation on Horizon again and felt like kicking something. He closed the console, swung on his chair and stood-up and threw himself on the bed. Fuck the last will and testament. Fuck any “if you’re getting this then I’m dead” letters. He didn’t write them for a reason. He wasn’t going to goddamn die on that goddamn mission. He’d kick ass, give the Illusive Man what he wanted, leave Cerberus behind and then go up to Kaidan, wherever the hell he might be when he found him, and tell him flat outright, “I love you!”

Yeah. That’s what’s gonna happen. A man needed to have something to return to— even if it was just a small, stupid hope— if he wanted to live through shit times like these. 

He tugged on his blankets and wound it around himself, hoping now that he had resolved this dilemma he could get some needed sleep.


	2. Stillness

House arrest was not how Shepard wanted to spend the remainder of the days left before the Reapers came. Blowing up the Bahak system along with all the batarians on Aratoht looked pretty damn bad. That and his nice Butcher of Torfan title to go along with it was like the proverbial cherry on top. Contrary to what people said or believed about what he did on Torfan, he didn’t hate batarians. He just did what had to be done— and that was to send a message. That was what he did when he blew up the relay too. With one hand, he had sent a warning to the rest of the galaxy that the reapers were coming very soon and he had given the Reapers the finger with the other.

He would have really preferred making sure everyone got off their asses to make sure that everyone was ready for the incoming apocalyptic threat, but he supposed being held prisoner in a reasonably furnished room with a view, hot meals limited extranet access (with all the vids and video games he could download) was a well-deserved vacation, even though it had some strings attached.

Hitting the Collector base had been harrowing, but all the Collectors were wiped out while the base and everything else remained. He had given it over to the Illusive Man, if only for the small slivers of hope that they could get an edge over the Reapers, which were desperately needed. The Illusive Man had dealt with Reaper tech countless of times before and helped him take down the Collectors, agents of the Reapers, so it seemed like a relatively good idea at the time.

It mattered little now though, the important thing was he was alive and so was everyone else who had signed up for the job. It had been awesome, the stuff of legends! He had been so ready to go to the Citadel, find Kaidan, tell him exactly what he had wanted to write in the letter. Forget how Kaidan might not actually swing that way or what with the event in Horizon their friendship and camaraderie was shaky at best— he was riding on a victorious high!

But that didn’t happen. He hadn’t even seen or heard anything about Kaidan since he was put to house arrest and he just couldn’t bring himself to ask James or anyone about it. Why would he? No one knew how he felt about Kaidan. Hell, he wouldn’t even breathe a word about it. He had never been very open about his preferences and there were a lot of people who were wary of him and preferred to steer clear rather than find out who he was boning. 

But damn, he often wondered what Kaidan was doing, where he was, what he was up to and if his L2 implants were giving him too much trouble. He couldn’t send any messages, neither was he receiving any. He was sure at least one of his team members would send him something, but there was nothing. Apparently no one had the time to read through his private mail so he wasn’t getting any. It was a bit frustrating, but he lived with it. At least, there was Galaxy of Fantasy to play and Blasto vids to watch.

Then one day James just stormed into his door, all business, salutes and everything as if it wasn’t the hundredth time Shepard had to remind him that he was no longer due those things. Not a Commander, now just plain ol’ Shepard. Defense committee wanted to see him, he had said, the urgency in his voice was unmistakable. Suddenly he was out, just like that. Anderson— Admiral Anderson— was there, giving him the rundown. “Something big is coming our way,” he had said and Shepard knew the shitstorm that was brewing. He would have cared too— a lot— if he didn’t just hear Kaidan— it was unmistakably Kaidan— call his name.

“Shepard.”

“Kaidan,” he replied without thinking, turning around to look at the speaker. At least, he was able to stop the big stupid grin in time. 

“How did it go in there, Major?” Anderson asked Kaidan before anything else could have been said, for which Shepard was thankful. His mind then did a backtrack, drowning out the words for a moment to register the last word.

“Major?”

“You hadn’t heard?” Anderson asked.

Well, it wasn’t like it was broadcasted in the extranet, or anyone could send him anything. He stamped down the sudden feeling of dread. Kaidan was moving up, doing his best and was getting recognized for it. It shouldn’t matter, but it did. Kaidan had his own responsibilities now with his new rank and he was getting farther and farther away. For one brief moment, he regretted not ever telling him what he felt three years ago. Maybe things would be different, maybe there would still be a chance, but then and there he couldn’t see it and so stamped down such thoughts before it showed in his face.

“No, I hadn’t,” he answered.

“Sorry, sir, didn’t mean to keep you out of the loop,” Kaidan said, all stiff and formal, even using ‘sir’ even though he must have gotten the memo that he no longer held a rank. He didn't want to think how easy it was for Kaidan to draw a line between them with just a sentence.

Shepard could feel his defenses rising, the unfeeling badass Commander act that he put up when he did not need to deal with shit and get things done. This time he didn’t want to deal with his emotions, not when he was face to face with Kaidan and the looming dread that now suddenly hung over him. It would be easy, he’d brush off everything too, keep the distance Kaidan had laid out, like they weren't even friends anymore. But that just seemed to hurt a lot more. “I’m sure you had your reasons,” he offered instead. A friendly response.

“Yeah, I did. Still it’s good to see you.” 

Shepard offered a brief smile. Really hard when he felt like his whole world was ending, all the while the Reapers were just at the doorstep, but he managed. He didn't make it this far by letting all his emotions show on his face. 

As he stepped into the courtroom he tried to get ahold of himself. Stop it, he told himself, willing away all the hurt and frustration and just let it go. He’d probably never get a chance to tell Kaidan how he felt, not with how they were and not with this war going on and he would have to live with that, have to come to terms with that soon if they were going to have any chance of seeing the Reapers defeated.


	3. Patience

Whenever it was said that Commander Shepard would be the go-to-guy for making hard decisions, Shepard himself would agree, even though those sentiments were usually muddled it afterwards with some offhand comment about his bloodthirstiness. But that didn’t mean he didn’t hesitate over the hard choices like everyone else did. Leaving Earth, leaving Anderson to keep it all together was difficult, his mouth moved faster than his brain that time. No way in hell was he going to leave everything. He didn't just up and leave a fight. But he had to, Anderson was right when he said they weren't going to win against the Reapers alone, so maybe he could up and leave a fight, if it was his job to bring in reinforcements.

He wasn't happy about it. Damn he hated having to ask people for shit. He was not exactly bad at using his words to get people on his side (he had watched several instructional vids on “how to be a charming speaker” sometime back when waving guns around sometimes didn't work as he liked and he was in no mood to get people to clean up the mess he would make or hear their complaints about said mess), but it involved a lot calmness on his part and usually he never felt calm enough to suddenly spout words that weren’t meant to intimidate. Tough luck for him, he might actually need to brush up on his sweet-talker skills or something.

It was official that he was back on the clock. He was back to being Commander Shepard again, thanks to the impromptu reinstatement by Anderson. Though instead of feeling energized he actually felt tired. Barely an hour into the Reaper invasion and seeing Vancouver in ruins probably did that, but hey, at least Kaidan was around.

Oh god Kaidan was there, back in the Normandy. Where he belonged, Shepard added to that thought with conviction. He would have relished in that small moment, maybe think about what he needed to say and say it soon that there was a chance to. Who knew when he would ever get an opportunity like this, even though it all hardly seemed appropriate. But then everything was moving so fast again— James unhappy with the order to leave which he brushed off (a little too firmly) and then suddenly Hackett was on the comm terminal who then assigned him a mission to Mars.

There was really just no time, was there? They set a course for Mars, all the while Shepard had to prepare his weapons and check his armor, all of which were activities that were getting in the way of his long overdue confession. He had to do it, had to say it soon.

But he didn't get the chance to. Soon they landed on Mars and it was mission mode. Shepard almost thought it turned out well as not fifteen minutes into the mission, Kaidan had to bring up all the tough questions like “Do you know anything why Cerberus is here?” He had no good answers for that— at least, nothing that Kaidan would think was good enough. What was he supposed to say when Kaidan all but openly accused him of still being with Cerberus? At first he had meant to take on the offensive, he didn't think Kaidan would listen, so he wouldn't even hear it from him either. He didn’t want to hear it. But no, the last thing he wanted was to push Kaidan away further. So he had to choose his words, needed to take cues from that “charming speaker” vid earlier than he expected to.

It hurt, having someone he cared about deeply accuse him of such things. But Kaidan wouldn’t be Kaidan if he took the easy ways out was he? Always so stubborn. “I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you, Kaidan,” he had said, unable to keep those firm words at bay. He wouldn’t have to have to work with Cerberus if the Alliance or the Council got off their asses earlier to take action, wouldn’t he?

He wanted to kick something, but it was the end of it, or he really hoped it was, and left it at that. There was a mission at hand and he needed to be on top of his game, not tending to his feelings.

So he kept it together. He didn’t try to. In cases like these there was no try, there was just do and he did manage to be numb to the sinking feeling building in his chest. Seeing Liara kick some ass helped fire him up again too. His mind slowly faded into the game. Taking down those Reapers on Earth really hadn’t been enough and charging into battle. Exhilarating. Awesome. Just what he needed.

Then the shit hit the fan again when Kaidan suggested looking for a helmet transponder from one of the dead Cerberus guy when the guy under the helmet almost resembled a husk. Almost but not quite, he pointed out when Kaidan was quick to write him off as one.

“They did this to their own guy?” Kaidan said, and as if Shepard had developed psychic powers, he could clearly deduce where the conversation was inadvertently headed to and steeled himself for it. “Is that what they did to you?”

Shepard had to resist the urge to strangle something, or say something bitingly sarcastic. “How could you compare me to him?” First of all, his skin wasn’t blue. 

“Shepard, I don’t know what you are. Or who. Not since Cerberus rebuilt you,” Kaidan said, avoiding his eyes. “For all I know you could be their puppet controlled by the Illusive Man himself.” He looked at Shepard accusingly.

He could barely believe the words Kaidan had just said to him, but he was pretty sure his ears worked fine, having been brought back to life, extra-features and all. He also believed that Miranda hadn’t been lying when she said that there weren’t any mind-control devices in place, because if there would have been, that whole suicide mission would have gone down quite differently.

“That’s not fair, Kaidan,” Shepard countered, suddenly exhausted with the direction the interrogation was headed, even before he had been laid out with the whole set of questions Kaidan probably had lined up in his mind. At least, Shepard was successful in sounding like the question hadn’t been a figurative knife to his chest. Shepard would have preferred to say nothing instead, if silence didn’t say so much more than he wanted to actually vocalize.

“Don’t try to explain it, I don't think I’d understand anyway.” Kaidan said dismissively. “I just want to know is the person I followed through hell and back still in there... somewhere?”

“They didn’t change me, Kaidan,” Shepard tried to make Kaidan understand through careful words voiced without hesitation. There was no reason for him to lash out now, if he wanted to patch things up with him he would hold his tongue for once. “But words won’t convince you, will they?”

“Probably not,” Kaidan admitted and Shepard wondered if he was it was resignation he was hearing in Kaidan’s tone, or regret. 

“I didn't think so,” Shepard said, wanting to exhale a sigh but prevented himself from doing so. Instead, he tried to add in a little lighthearted comment. “You were always stubborn,” he said, just to soften the sting of Kaidan’s words by justifying it to himself. 

Yeah, it was just Kaidan being stubborn, not taking the easy routes. Wasn’t that what he liked about Kaidan? It was hard to see that now though when he was bearing the brunt of such behavior.

Kaidan snorted, “Me?”

“Come on,” he said, pushing down all his emotions for him to deal with later, in his cabin, while he bothered his space hamster. “Let’s see what Cerberus is up to. Maybe we could both get some answers.” Because he honestly didn't think he could take another flurry of emotional beat down and come out of it as good as he did a moment ago.

Damn. If it had been another person, someone else he cared for less than he did for Kaidan or his squadmates that said those things, he might not have just stood there and taken it. Nobody had the right to judge him especially when he was busting his ass trying to save the whole galaxy and everyone else just thought he was a madman. But his friends, he would never really say it out loud but they all mattered and Kaidan most of all.

With a barely audible sigh he took the transponder and began the bullshit. “This is... delta team.” Time to go on with the mission and be Commander badass Shepard, Mr get-things-done, Mr Results. Not Shepard, the poster boy of spectacularly failed romantic pursuits.


	4. Injury

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Always imagined a renegade Shep had a bit of a potty mouth. And by a bit, I mean, a lot. This chapter features lots of bad language and if you're offended by that sort of thing...

Fucking bitch was getting away with the goddamn Prothean data and he wasn't going to stand idly by while it fucking happened. He ran after her, tried to stop her with tech and biotics, hell he even slammed straight into her, but somehow the bitch kept on slipping away. He swore when he got his hands on her he was going to punch her face in so hard there wouldn’t be a face to speak of afterwards. Nobody took anything under his nose without paying for it dearly.

So it was a small relief that James collided the shuttle into the Cerberus one. They were so damn close to losing the data, but James saved the day. He should give James a pat on the back for that one later then maybe chew him out on being so damn reckless he could have gotten everyone who didn’t need to get killed get killed. Well, at least everyone had enough quick reflexes to roll out of that mess properly.

The shuttle landed and James stepped out. “Normandy’s en route, they’ll be here soon,” he said.

That mess taken care of, at least for now, Shepard began coordinating with Joker when he heard several loud clangs and gunshots. 

The bitch was still alive! Holy hell.

Shepard ran across the Kodiak to see what was going on, calling out Kaidan’s name as he caught sight of him being held by the neck by that bitch— robotic bitch. Fucking Cerberus. 

Adrenaline pumping, Shepard drew his gun. He would have just blew her up with a blast of so much biotics, but then that might just hurt Kaidan too.

“Let him go,” Shepard said. Or she was going to regret it. Somehow. If robots could feel pain. He’d find a way.

But she didn’t let him go. After briefly asking for a directive, she proceeded to slam Kaidan onto the shuttle. Once. Twice.

“No!” he shouted, a reflex response more than anything. His heart raced in fear as he pulled his gun out. No, no, no, Kaidan wouldn’t get killed from just that, but he would if Shepard didn’t move. Goddammit. He needed to move, to stop that fucking robot from hurting Kaidan. But what? Any of his biotics could cause more injuries. Fuck. He pulled the trigger, confident that he wouldn’t miss. But it did nothing except turn her attention from Kaidan to him. She dropped Kaidan— god please let him be alright— and started running towards him.

Good. Shepard emptied the whole clip on her and the only thing that took her out was a goddamn lucky shot that caused her to short circuit. Fucking robot. He didn't have time to really check if she was down though and supposed that if it started moving again James could just run into her with the Kodiak again, head-on collision this time. “Grab that thing. Bring it with us,” he told James.

“Shepard, we’ve got Reaper signatures in orbit,” Joker said.

He rushed to Kaidan, his whole body suddenly numb as cold fear washed over him. “Kaidan. Kaidan!” he called, checking for a sign, any sign that he was still alive, but that was nearly impossible through Kaidan’s helmet and armor. He berated himself to stop being stupid and began to lift Kaidan off the ground and carried him over his back. Joker had the Normandy positioned for a quick pick up. Just in time as he could hear the low horn announcing the arrival of a Reaper Destroyer somewhere in the distance and the storm was kicking in fast.

After a brief look back at Mars, Shepard hurried into the elevator, needing to get Kaidan into the Med-Bay stat. There, he laid Kaidan down extra-gently into one of the beds and removed his helmet with the same care. Hell, the bruises on his face were already blooming. They had no medic on board. But Shepard did vaguely remember at least some basic first-aid training but he couldn’t think of the first thing he should do. What should he do again? Fuck all those years of just slapping medi-gel into his injuries and calling it a day weren’t going to help him much now. Face to face with the real possibility that he could soon lose Kaidan and all he could do was panic. God. No. Kaidan can’t just up and die! What should he do— What—

“Kaidan needs medical attention,” Liara said, crouching so that she could make eye contact. 

Shepard managed to snap himself out a little and looked at Liara.

“We have to leave the Sol system.”

“I know.”

“The Citadel is our best chance, we can find help there.”

The Citadel. Right. Get some real, professional medical help there. Better chances for Kaidan. “Get us to the Citadel, Joker.”

“Roger that,” came Joker’s reply from the speakers.

Shepard turned his gaze to Kaidan again. Fuck no, Kaidan wasn't going to die under his watch. “Hold on, Kaidan,” he said, touching the man’s shoulder. He would have squeezed Kaidan’s hand. He wanted to, but Liara and James were still in the room.

-

The many times Shepard has been face to face with imminent death and come out alive and walking made him a bit indifferent when details about his own mortality were to be spoken to him. Hearing one of the doctors carting off Kaidan say “Barely got a pulse here!” froze Shepard to spot until he got over it just in time to ask them, “Where are you taking him?”

“Huerta Memorial, best care on the Citadel.”

“We’re not going with?” James piped in.

“We need to see the Council,” Liara said and how Shepard wished they didn’t need to. Goddamn councilors, you’d think saving their asses once from a Reaper would make them a little more inclinced to help him, but no.

“Right,” Vega said helpfully.

Shepard sighed and placed his hands on the rail, wondering whether he should try to play as nice as he could stomach before or just let his natural personality take over and be his usual, charming self when the familiar voice of Captain Bailey came from behind. Suppressing another sigh, Shepard straightened up and turned around to meet Bailey. It would do no one any good for him to fret over Kaidan. He was in the hands of the Citadel’s best medical minds now and Shepard had a galaxy to save and a council to convince to help him do his goddamn job.

-

The Council could all go to hell for all Shepard cared. The Reapers were fucking shit up left and right and the Council still didn’t understand how it would be a better idea to pool resources and help each other than work separately. If that actually worked maybe the Reapers would have been obliterated long, long ago and he wouldn't have to do this shit job of talking and asking people to do things. If he'd actually have enough hair he might have pulled them off out of sheer frustration, but he didn’t.

At the very least, the turian councilor had asked him for a favor and thankfully he wasn’t met with a dead end just as his mission to get people for help was just starting. Simple enough too, get the primarch off Palaven safely. Fine. Small steps were better than none.

Such thoughts didn’t prevent him from feeling utterly exhausted by the time he reached the hospital. Seeing Dr Chakwas did help lighten his spirits a bit and hearing from her and Dr Michel that Kaidan was sort of fine improved his mood. The Major wasn’t in the clear yet since he hasn’t regained consciousness, but Michel sounded it would be all right and that was a relief.

He found Kaidan in one of the rooms and swore he had to take a deep breath to get his emotions under control. Seeing Kaidan’s face all bruised and broken again was heart-wrenching. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t seen it before. But god it was hard. It was the goddamn mood of the hospital that was to blame, probably, seeing people worried, hearing some of them cry. It shouldn’t have affected him so much, but it hammered home the very real possibility of loss

“Hey, Kaidan,” he said, amazed his own voice wasn’t cracking. Good job, Shepard. “Don’t know if you can hear me, but since you can’t tell me to get the hell out either, I’m taking my chances.”

He sighed, trying to release all his fears and worries. “Don’t die, Kaidan,” he said, pleaded, even. “You’ve got to fight. We need you in this. Seeing you in action again, it reminded me you’re a hell of a soldier. The Alliance could sure use you, I could use you.” God, if that wasn’t the truth. He didn’t know how he could live knowing Kaidan wasn’t around. He didn’t even have to be near. He lived through that fine. But knowing Kaidan wasn’t there somewhere in the galaxy, alive and well, that— that was a different matter altogether. 

“Come on, Kaidan. Fight,” Shepard said, noticing the doctors have started pouring in. He would have to leave soon, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do. He willed his legs to show himself out of the door, but not before turning back for one last look. “And that’s an order.”


	5. Visits

Palaven. Reapers. The Primarch. Some summit. Wrex, Krogan and the genophage. Sur’kesh. Cerberus. Mordin showing up and gracing the Med-Bay with some singing— he missed that crazy salarian. Then more stuff to do, more battles to face. He had a lot on his plate and could barely get any rest without nightmares haunting his sleep. All those times he tried hard not to think about Kaidan, but finally, just as he was contemplating a trip to the Citadel for a bit of shore leave, he received a message from Kaidan himself.

The relief that washed over him as he read the message sent him sagging on his chair. Lucky for him he checked his messages at his cabin rather than at the CIC otherwise Traynor might have been wondering why the Commander was suddenly on his knees with hands in the air. Kaidan was alright! Through some combination of medical miracle and dumb luck, he said. Shepard almost laughed out a small sob, it was probably all his stubbornness that kept him from crossing over just yet. He was almost giddy with happiness when he read ‘I’d really like to see you if you could spare the time’. 

Kaidan wanted to see him! Shepard felt like he was fourteen again and just had his first kiss. His happiness however was a little short-lived when it mentioned Udina was offering him a position as a Spectre. Shepard knew he should be happy, but being a Spectre might mean Kaidan would be even more out of reach than he already was. He did say he wouldn’t care where Kaidan would be as long as he was alive, but seeing Palaven and all the Reapers raising several sorts of hell. He’d be lying if he said he’d feel alright if Kaidan wasn’t with him through this war.

He had to tell Kaidan what he felt. He couldn't keep mulling over it like this. He had to take that chance.

-

“I’d like an answer, Major. The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you. Now more than ever.” Shepard could hear Udina talking from the doorway.

“You’ll have it soon, Councilor. I promise,” came Kaidan’s reply.

“I’ll look forward to it,” Udina said, turning around. He started to make his way out and paused briefly to address him. “Shepard.”

“Udina,” Shepard said, trying not to follow that greeting with a roll of his eyes before walking up to Kaidan. “Hey.”

“Shepard, hey,” Kaidan said, sitting up from the bed. “You just missed snack time. Actually that’s probably a good thing. Thanks for coming.”

“No problem,” Shepard said, unable to keep a smile from his face at the cheery greeting. “What did Udina want?” he asked, taking a seat on a nearby chair. “Still thinking about the Spectre position?”

“Well it’s a big honor, a huge responsibility. Just need to be sure,” Kaidan said.

Shepard brought forward the bottle of whiskey he had just picked up from the hospital kiosk, smiling a little sheepishly at the choice. Really, he should have gotten Kaidan a box of pastries or something as hospital food had got to be the worst. Who the fuck gave alcoholic drinks to confined hospital patients? Apparently Commander Shepard did. Well, no use beating himself up for it. It would have been the optimal choice if Kaidan wasn’t bed-ridden. “I got you this.”

“Wow, thanks Shepard,” Kaidan said and seemed to have meant it. “That’s really great.”

“Just a little pick me up.”

“Maybe when I’m out we can crack it open and celebrate,” Kaidan suggested. Shepard imagined doing a lot more than just cracking open a bottle and drinking to celebrate. It involved a lot more movement and less clothes, but he was promptly cut off from his reverie as Kaidan continued talking.

“I’m so ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can’t tell, but I’m tied to this bed by medical red tape,” Shepard could hear the frustration in Kaidan’s voice. “I mean Doc— Doc says I’m good to go, but then she always finds “just one more test” to run.”

“You doing okay?” Shepard asked, a little worried over any complications that might have arisen. Even if Kaidan was visibly alright, cracking jokes along with it, he wasn’t going to stop worrying until Kaidan was actually up and about.

“My implant got a little... rattled, so Doc wants me to keep the biotics offline for a bit,” Kaidan said lightly. “It’s really no big deal.”

Yes it is, Shepard wanted to say. How much time did he spend in his cabin, eyes on a datapad but not really reading anything because he was thinking about how Kaidan was doing? Instead, Shepard opted for a more neutral, more ‘himself’ response. “Need me to break you out?” Because he would, in his explosive fashion. Maybe he’d even get to bridal-carry Kaidan through it too. Commander Shepard saves the day! Kaidan would give him a “thank you” kiss and he’d be the happiest man in the galaxy.

Yeah, as if. But Shepard found he was quite free to revel in any sort of fantasy so long as no one saw it affecting the expressions on his face.

Kaidan snorted, lying back down on the bed. “I’ll let you know.”

Shepard paused for a moment, suddenly at a loss for words to say. He wanted to say how glad he was that Kaidan asked him to come, wanted to express how he would have come even without the mail. He cared a lot and would have been devastated if Kaidan weren’t alright. Instead he said, “I’m glad you asked me to come. It’s good to see you’re going to be okay,” because it seemed more appropriate.

“Thanks.”

“You almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see.” Understatement. Shepard had been through a lot of things, but seeing Kaidan hoisted up in the air by the neck by some crazy robot bitch— who was now taken over by EDI thank the stars— would be one of the things he hoped never to see again. 

“I want you to be straight with me then. So I just wanna make sure, after Mars, after Horizon. You and me, we’re good?” Kaidan asked. The question asked many things without actually stating it and said so much with just a few words. Whatever confession Shepard would make would have to make. They weren’t ready for that yet, not with all these doubts he still needed to lay to rest and to stay there. They needed more time but Shepard wondered if he even had much of it left.

“We’ve been through hell together, had each other’s backs. That kind of bond is hard to break,” Shepard answered, stopping himself from saying something else entirely.

“But no, not just that.” Kaidan pointed out. “You were my commander but you listened too. We were soldiers, but also friends.”

Friends. The word grated at his chest. How he wished they had been something more. Maybe if he realized it earlier or was able to give himself enough time to make advances rather than become so focused on the job, maybe he would have found the right words then and had the courage to speak them, because he had neither now.“Yeah we were,” he said, almost choking on his own words. “Were.” The word echoed hollowly through his head. They weren’t even close to what they were back then anymore because of Cerberus, were they? Three years was a long time.

“So what do you say? Are we good?”

“We’re good, it was great to have you back on the Normandy.” Shepard meant that too. Having Kaidan back on the Normandy, eve just for a short while on the way to Mars, it had felt right. More than right. 

“Thanks.” 

“Feel like we’ve cleared the air?” Shepard asked, giving a small wry grin. 

“Yeah, you know. I’m not sure that I’ve been wrong about Cerberus... But I’ve been wrong about you.” Those words made the weight on Shepard’s chest lighten ever so slightly. At least, not everything was as bad as he thought it would be. Given time, maybe there would be some hope for him. But it was clear that there wasn’t anything more to be said now.

“I should let you go back to the Normandy. Wish I could come with you.”

Those last words made him smile despite everything. For a moment, Kaidan wasn’t an Alliance soldier with a Spectre position waiting for him, he almost sounded like a kid. How he wanted to kiss him. “Take care of yourself Kaidan. We need you at a hundred percent.”

“Will do. Thanks for coming.”

Shepard gave one last smile before he rose and made his way out, not daring to look back, because he wasn't so sure he could keep himself from doing monumentaly something stupid if he did.


	6. Persuasions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thane is here to offer our resident renegade Shep a bit of a push. Hopefully that will be enough to convince the guy to put more of the moves on... or not.

The rest of the crew had got to be wondering why Commander Shepard was making more trips to the Citadel than usual, but none of them voiced this out. Hell, if Shepard wasn’t so caught up trying not to appear as if he had any other reason to be in the Citadel except to pick up a few things (because according to Steve it was cheaper to do so rather than have them shipped) and catch a break, he could have sworn there was some higher force actually pushing him to visit more often. The Citadel, though still miraculously ignored by Reaper forces, was rife with problems he just couldn’t help but overhear and feel as though he could do something to help. Hell, even Engineer Adams wanted him to pick up something from the Citadel. So, it was without much difficulty that Shepard was able to drop by Huerta.

It was just as well as Thane was in the hospital too. Seeing an old friend die was something that Shepard was used to. It was an occupational hazard every soldier carried with them and as long as the deaths counted towards a good cause Shepard had long since learned to simply let go. But Thane— Thane’s was a different story. There were no bullets to dodge or explosions to clear away from, Thane was dying from a disease that was laying him to waste from the inside. He had seen Thane in action. He had admired those lightning fast moves Shepard was sure was a drell advantage honed to perfection by the assassin from an early age and seeing him throwing sluggish punches by the hospital window was something Shepard was not used to at all, but he approached Thane anyway. 

“Commander Shepard. When I heard Earth was under attack, I tried to call. I never got through.”

“Thane, good to see you staying in shape,” Shepard said and meant it.

“My disease kills slowly,” Thane said. He sounded at peace with the fact, something that made Shepard’s chest constrict slightly. During the suicide mission, his thoughts had almost always occupied with Kaidan and the only true respite he had were the times he and Thane would have their little chats. Dealing with Thane’s problem— hell, everyone else’s problems— had been a hell lot better than dealing and talking about his own. It was fascinating how Thane seemed to treat everything with such a calm demeanor, even when it was evident emotions were raging a storm in him. It had reminded him— both pleasant and unpleasantly— of Kaidan and somehow during their little talks, Shepard might have told Thane a little about his secret. 

“What are you doing here?” Thane asked, concern in his tone. 

“I’m fine,” Shepard said, hoping to allay Thane’s worries. Shepard firmly believed that negative feelings in the sick just made them more sick. “I’m visiting a friend named Kaidan. He got hurt protecting me.”

“The human biotic in intensive care.” Thane inclined his head to the side. “I saw the marks of an implant.”

“Yeah.” Shepard had never named Kaidan as the object of his affections to Thane, but he might as well have with all the bits of information he had dropped. An Alliance soldier. A biotic. Was in his squad two years ago prior to his first death. Really, Thane would have considered it a walk in the park compared to the assassination jobs he had taken over the years. Thane was the only one who knew. Hell, not even Garrus knew. 

“We have spoken, he seems an honorable sort. Your enemies may try to finish him off here. I will try to look out for him.” 

“I appreciate it, Thane,” Shepard said, placing a hand on his dear friend’s shoulder. It meant a lot, knowing there was at least someone nearby to look after Kaidan, just a pair of eyes in place of his to watch out for any more dangers. 

“I am near the end of my life, it is a good time to be generous. Kepral’s Syndrome has put most of my other plans on hold,” Thane said, moving towards a set of chairs by the window. He took a seat, as did Shepard.

Shepard though said nothing and did little apart from trying to put feelings into words. He should be worried about Thane, but Shepard didn’t know what else he could say when Thane didn’t seem to think it was much of a big deal. In addition to that, Shepard needed to talk to someone about Kaidan, because it was killing him not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say and not knowing when to even do start.

It was just as well Thane answered his question before Shepard could even voice it out. “I’ve lived my life with plenty of regrets, Shepard, and had barely enough time to set things right. I hope you will be as fortunate as I was.”

Shepard heaved a sigh and gave a wry smile. “I feel like I could take down a Reaper better than fixing this mess.”

Thane smiled. “You have done things many would say were impossible.”

Another sigh. “And yet here I am, unable to go past that door.” Shepard drummed his fingers on the arm rest. He made to stand. “I wish the best for you, Thane.”

“And I for you. Do not grieve for me. I have good doctors. My son visits regularly. Perhaps we will keep up via the extranet now that you are free.” He smiled. “Until we meet again, Shepard.”


	7. Steps Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm not dead I promise.  
> Renegade Shep re-evaluates his life choices, lol.

Shepard made it a point to visit Kaidan often, as well as Thane. He was glad Thane was there, because there would be an excuse to go to Huerta. It was easier to drop “I was visiting Thane” to Joker or to James when either of them asked why he was going to the hospital so often. Catching up with a dying friend was a better excuse than seeing Kaidan because he missed him. Damn, he would never ever say it out loud, but whenever he got to sit down and talk to Kaidan a little, hear him talk about his family back on Earth and console him on that matter. It almost felt as if they were friends again. 

Still, nothing could make the illusion that everything would be the same shatter more than Shepard having to stand up from his seat, having already spent a lot of time keeping Kaidan from his rest, and bidding the other man goodbye. It never failed to dim the happiness he felt just sitting next to Kaidan, hearing his raspy voice speak and watching him smile occasionally. Damn, how he wanted to kiss that smile. But, as always, he said and did nothing. He just couldn’t, the wide gap two years were still between them and even if that had been bridged, there was the matter of Kaidan’s Spectre candidacy. Kaidan was getting father and father away from him and the only thing Shepard could do was try and keep up, but he didn’t think he could even reach out and manage to hold on. 

It was still just not the time. It was never time! Shepard retreated back into his cabin lamenting this fact with hand on hard shaft imagining the things he would have done to Kaidan on that hospital bed. He had felt dirty and thoroughly ashamed of his pathetic actions, but he didn’t have much time for wallowing in self-pity. He went back into the war, trying to untangle the biggest mess in the galaxy— the mess between turians and krogans— so they could have a shot at defeating the Reapers.

During those times, Shepard sometimes looked back to time during the hunt for Saren, when he was just trying to make sense of his attraction to Kaidan. He didn't like to think back to that time too often as it made him realize how many chances he had wasted. Back then it was all about the job, there would always be time later, he had told himself. The reality was he barely had enough. 

His mind wandered often, prompting Liara and Garrus to question whether or not he was alright, or if the stress was getting to him real bad. He couldn’t give them much of a straight answer, not when he knew exactly what was bugging him. Kaidan. Always Kaidan. He was alright, but Shepard couldn’t help but worry about the uncertainty of the future. Shepard knew there no use mulling over something he had no power over at the moment, but the thoughts were persistent, always swimming somewhere in his mind, demanding to be contemplated on despite never reaching a resolution.

Another shore leave came. Another trip to the hospital. Shepard was not looking forward to suppressing his desires while the object of such was right in front of him, but the thought of not seeing Kaidan felt even more distressing. When the door to Kaidan’s hospital room opened, however, Shepard was caught by surprise to see Kaidan standing by the window, dressed in his uniform as though injuries had never even happened.

“Hey Shepard, if you came to spring me, you’re late. I’m getting out soon.” Kaidan said, turning to face him. He wore a small smile, that slight quirk on the side of his lips that Shepard wanted to kiss.

“Good to hear,” Shepard returned. In a testament to his self-control, he was able to stop from reaching out and taking Kaidan into his arms. But Kaidan’s next words sent a cold rush through him.

“Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted Udina’s offer.” 

Shepard stopped himself from frowning as the words sank in and smiled. Shepard knew how to fake a realistic smile, but he almost didn't need to. He was proud of Kaidan, what he had accomplished. He should be glad about that, not chafing at something that was entirely his own fault. “Spectre Kaidan Alenko, that’s a big deal.” 

“Only the second human Spectre,” Kaidan snorted, “It's humbling. Udina thinks they might have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. He says a celebration will give folks something hopeful to latch onto.”

The image of Kaidan in whatever fancy get-up he was going to wear to the ceremony (in his head it was a suit) momentarily made Shepard unable to speak. He had never had the opportunity to see Kaidan in anything other than the standard military get-up. Hell he hadn't even seen Kaidan in a dress uniform. Fuck how he wanted to see that. He'd probably catch it on vid, but it wouldn't compare to seeing it live and in person.

Then again, it'd be probably for the best. He might definitely cause a commotion if such a sight were presented to him.

“You ready to take on that responsibility?” Shepard asked, trying to distract himself. 

“You set the bar pretty high, but I’ll do my best.” Kaidan beamed. He had never been one to back down from a challenge. “It’s strange. On Mars I should have died. Promotion from Anderson, Spectre status. These are terrible days, but I’ve been lucky.” 

“You’re perfect for the job. On Eden Prime I could see there was something special about you. You’re a good soldier.”

“That means a lot.” Kaidan said and for one, impossible moment, Shepard couldn't miss the way Kaidan had done so. The words were simple and said casually, but it was the pause afterwards that Shepard heard the clearest. Kaidan held his gaze in that short moment and Shepard felt a surge of emotion wash over him. The moment though, was soon broken by Kaidan. “I’m happy, I want to serve.”

Shepard knew what he had to say and he said it before he could reconsider his words. “I thought you might to join the Normandy," Shepard said before cursing himself at the neutral, non-assuming way he had said it. God, he punched people in the face and said whatever he damn well pleased at a daily basis but he couldn't ask the one person who mattered the most to him to get back on the Normandy with him. 

“Yeah, I thought about that. I just need to get out of here first though— take care of some things.” Kaidan said, looking a little apologetic. Shepard felt his world crashing down around him. Luckily, his hopes hadn't soared too high as to come crashing down any harder. “I’ve been trying to locate my old spec ops squad, my students, from Biotics Division.”

“Any luck?” Shepard asked. Trying to be unaffected. Goddammit, he really would be losing Kaidan, wouldn't he? 

“No, probably went underground. They’ll turn up. If they were easy to find they wouldn’t be doing their jobs.”

Shepard swallowed, unable to keep most of his emotions in check as reality began sinking in. The great Commander Shepard, Butcher of Torfan, butcher of his own love life. He had fucked things up badly all right. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. 

“Well," he said, forcing the words out so that he sounded so natural, so unaffected. Goddamn he should have acted in vids instead of signing up for the Alliance. He'd have more goddamn awards for his acting than medals. "Let me know when you’re out. Take care Spectre Alenko.”

“Stay safe, Commander," Kaidan bade him and Shepard gave him a smile before he strode out of the room, wondering where would be the best place for him to get shitfaced.


	8. Drinks

Shepard had not been allowed to touch alcohol until he was of age, but that never meant that he didn't drink until he was. His dad, despite being a military man, whose life was made up of rigid rules and unbroken protocols, didn't think there was anything wrong about a thirteen year old kid sipping some beer. "It's not going to kick," his dad had said once and kid-Shepard had been glad for it. If there hadn't been alcohol while he was growing up, Shepard was sure he'd ended up somewhere else entirely than where he was now. Not that where he was now was anywhere near great. Drowning his heartache in alcohol in Dark Star was definitely not one of the greater moments in his life at all, not that there was any helping the situation. He needed a few drinks, but he didn't feel up to drag his ass to Purgatory, not wanting to run into someone and having to summon his conversational skills, if there were any to speak of, so Dark Star it was.

He was on his sixth shot of whiskey on the rocks, his preferred drink aside from beer, and was finally starting to feel the whole world spin around him. Whatever the fuck Cerberus did to bring him back from the dead, it involved considerably stronger resistance to alcohol and he was sure it wouldn't be long before the effects of intoxication subsided either, so he downed the shot and poured himself another, the bartender having sympathetically placed it beside him after the third consecutive shot. Shepard thought he could finish it too.

"If you wanted to drown yourself in drink, Shepard, I think a glass wouldn't exactly be necessary," said Garrus from behind him. 

"I prefer my whiskey cold," Shepard said, swirling the glass on his hand. The ice in his glass wasn't exactly ice, but some device that kept the whiskey at a perfectly cool temperature.

"Uh-huh," Garrus returned indulgently, taking a seat beside Shepard. "So, what seems to be the problem?"

"Why would you say there is a problem? Can't a guy have a drink without there being a problem?"

Garrus said nothing for a moment, ordering a beer in a bottle and took a long sip before regarding the commander again. "Come on, that kind of act might fly with the others, but it's not going to fool me."

Shepard tensed for a moment before relaxing again and sighing. He turned to look at Garrus and then back at his drink, tossing it all back. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Clearly," Garrus said, drumming his fingers on the counter. "Well, I'm going to take a shot in the dark about this anyway. I'm pretty sure it's about Kaidan."

Shepard's head snapped up to glare at Garrus. 

Garrus chuckled a little and took another swig of beer. "I might be a bit challenged over these things, but I think I've spent enough time working in C-Sec to figure out what's going on. Should have expected you to be this hung up over Kaidan, what with Horizon and what I heard what happened on Mars."

The whiskey bottle had to be put down before Shepard could grip it hard enough to crack it. "Fuck. Is it that obvious?" Well, obviously it was, if Garrus of all people had caught on. First it had been Thane, now Garrus. Hell, did everyone in the Normandy already know? Fuck. Great job keeping it all together, Shepard, great goddamn job.

"Not really. I don't know. The only time I've ever seen you drink this much alone was on Horizon and you have been visiting the hospital frequently. Put two and two together and it's not that hard to see what's going on." 

Shepard groaned and poured himself yet another drink, filling it all up this time. Garrus knew, so he might as well talk about it. Self-help vids did say that having people to talk about problems helped, and usually it did; only he hadn't really confided in anyone about these sort of problems. "Kaidan is out of the hospital, clean bill of health and everything, but when I asked if he could come back and join us on the Normandy he says he has to take care of some things first."

"That's what's gotten you so down?" 

Shaking his head, Shepard lifted his whiskey and drank deeply. "I feel like he's just slipping further and further away. And with this war and all," Shepard gestured in front of him, sighing. "I kind of felt like I could have taken a chance while we were first on the Normandy—when everything started— but..."

"But?"

"I don't know. When I finally work up enough nerve I remember we had a job to do. Saren was out there and we were racing against time to stop him from finding the conduit. Sometimes it was that, sometimes it was as simple as being afraid of rejection. I'm not exactly the kind of guy who inspires, y'know, warm, fuzzy feelings in people."

Garrus placed a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Shepard, it isn't as if there isn't anymore time left. We're still in this war and everything is still holding together. Kaidan will come back to the Normandy. No one in their right mind would actually pass up a chance to fight alongside you. Well, unless they've something really important only they could do elsewhere." 

Shepard thought of Jack and her biotic students, wondering, almost uncomfortably, if Kaidan had a mind to do the same thing. He hoped not. "I hope so."

"He will, and when he does, I hope you'll finally do the smart thing and—what do humans call it—'fess up." 

"You certainly know how to pull a man back on his feet, Garrus," Shepard said, finishing his glass and pouring himself another. He was only beginning to feel the light buzz of alcohol in his head. "Hopefully I'll feel like this now when I do get the chance." 

"I'm sure you will, it wouldn't be any different from going to a mission blind," Garrus laughed. "Charging on, making it up as you go. I had a lot of those during my time in Omega."

"Like that time with the huge shipment of red sand?" Shepard asked, pouring himself another glass. Now that the emotional talk was up and done with, the conversation steered back into a direction Shepard was undoubtedly more comfortable with. He was glad of it. No use talking about a problem that couldn't be solved for the moment. He had to hope things turn out well, just as he was hoping this war would end with the destruction of the Reapers.


End file.
